I usually don't blog, I only blog when I am hyper, so what I am hyper about? I can't tell you, my mind is full of thoughts like the race scene from movie Speed Racer, instead, those cars were running in same direction while my thoughts are random and it's chaos in here.
My vocabulary is going to be simple because I am typing this on text pad, I love text pads! I am having anxiety today, few hours ago I had cold and shaking hands, I felt my heart racing inside my rib-cage all day long. I have so many things to do and I can hardly perform day to day tasks like getting up and going to work at time, let alone doing those things. I don't even remember when I laughed like a baby last time. Now, I am writing this may be this can help me.
I went to Gurdwara sahib last Sunday, there was one oldman(baba g) sitting outside langar hall. When I first looked at him I said, "gotta talk to this baba". I was chatting with my friends because that is what we usually do there.and that's the only place where my tongue can taste my sweet sweet mother tongue. I kept one eye on baba, may be it was his looks, he looked like some decent oldman; Pen and diary in upper pocket, proper Punjab style Kurta pajama, which is really rare in Chennai, turban, glorious white beard and peculiar skin tone, which you get by working in fields then for some moments, I forgot about baba g and I got busy with a cat which lives there, after somtime I looked at baba g again and he was sobbing. Staring at some inanimate object tears dropped from his eyes and mingled with his white beard. He looked up and wiped the tears and glanced at me, I pretended like I did not see him. It was so heart wrenching that I can not describe it. It was like watching some cute panda crying, he just sat there for about 10-12 minutes clutching to a polythene bag which had label of a fruit market. I asked my friend if it would be OK to go and talk to him. He said it would be weird. I wanted to talk to him more like give a hug, because I need one too but I could not, I just could not gather courage to do this. After few minutes, he left and all I could do was just speculate why was he crying? May be he was here with some patient in some hospital? That may explain fruits also, I don't know anything, all I can do is just guess.
I found out something which I think I was not supposed to find out. Now, I just can not ignore it, it's messing with my mind. I miss home. I feel irrelevant, unappreciated and overwhelmed with the ideas to prove my self again and again. I have no interest left in anything(even in the pornography) all I want to do is just sit and stare at the fan. My work is mundane, it does not require presence of mind at all, it needs cramming, learn the steps and perform them. Sometimes, I think depression is like addiction you just don't want to get out of it, you start loving those dark cold corners of your mind. My friends say that I am turning into whining bitch who whines about almost everything, that I have everything and I just don't know how to have fun. To all these well wishers I just want to say, even I think I deserve better, this is not something I like to do, It's not fun to struggle with same fucking thing everyday. My sister has a really cool solution for this, she says I need someone to beat my ass, that it's all in my mind. I agree with her that it's all in my mind but is there any way out?
I was watching House and House tells his patient that you have only 2 days left. what would you do if you had only 2 days? I want to fly an Aeroplane, not possible though, ride a bike along the beach, tell some people how much I love them, pick a fight with that asshole from college and other NSFW stuff(easy to guess, ha!). List is long, shortened it.
Even after all of this, I still have hope for something good. I want to believe that there is something good waiting for me at some corner of my life. That there will be someone who will hug me and say I accept you as you are. I believe in god not because he will help me come out of this, but there is something who controls my life rather than it's just random set of events. I can not take that pressure because I have controlling behavior, the day I will turn atheist I will go down in flames because I won't be able to control certain things which now I just delegate to god. I have no shame in accepting that I am a man of weak will.
ਮੇਰੇ ਬਾਬਾ ਮੈ ਬਉਰਾ ਸਭ ਖਲਕ ਸੈਆਨੀ ਮੈ ਬਉਰਾ ॥
मेरे बाबा मै बउरा सभ खलक सैआनी मै बउरा ॥
O my father, I have gone insane; the whole world is sane, and I am insane.
36439 ਬਿਲਾਵਲੁ (ਭ. ਕਬੀਰ) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੮੫੫ ਪੰ. ੧੩
Raag Bilaaval Bhagat Kabir
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ਅਬ ਹਮ ਚਲੀ ਠਾਕੁਰ ਪਹਿ ਹਾਰਿ ॥
Ab Ham Chalee Thaakur Pehi Haar ||
अब हम चली ठाकुर पहि हारि ॥
Now, I have come, exhausted, to my Lord and Master.
23590 ਦੇਵਗੰਧਾਰੀ (ਮ: ੪) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੫੨੭ ਪੰ. ੧੫
Raag Dev Gandhaaree Guru Ram Das
ਜਬ ਹਮ ਸਰਣਿ ਪ੍ਰਭੂ ਕੀ ਆਈ ਰਾਖੁ ਪ੍ਰਭੂ ਭਾਵੈ ਮਾਰਿ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
Jab Ham Saran Prabhoo Kee Aaee Raakh Prabhoo Bhaavai Maar ||1|| Rehaao ||
जब हम सरणि प्रभू की आई राखु प्रभू भावै मारि ॥१॥ रहाउ ॥
Now that I have come seeking Your Sanctuary, God, please, either save me, or kill me. ||1||Pause||
23591 ਦੇਵਗੰਧਾਰੀ (ਮ: ੪) ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ : ਅੰਗ ੫੨੭ ਪੰ. ੧੫
Raag Dev Gandhaaree Guru Ram Das
